XIX.I

Being sick isn’t easy…you’re left alone…
Usually…with only your thoughts to keep you company…
And if your thoughts are as powerful as mine can be…
That can be a scary thing…
Forgive me…as I begin at a point that is not the beginning…

…pointing every finger at me…telling me it’s my fault…it’s my own doing and I’ve only got myself to blame. The feeling is intoxicating and I wish for nothing but a taste of sobriety. But then again…I’m just a worthless liar…and I don’t really feel these things I just spoke of…and that will only complicate things. Losing the trust and the center that one might rely on. And I transfer it over…the wish to drink forever…just this one time. Leaving me blank again…for what I want is now in you…and I cannot take it back…for it can only be given. And I know you don’t want to give it back…it’s a weakness that isn’t as easy to understand or acknowledge…but I’ve seen it…and will not speak of it or hold it against you. Instead I just let it dig away at the better parts…maybe its easier to see you if you aren’t as perfect in my eyes.

You cannot stop the sickness from growing…why would you want to stop life? Instead…I seek to find the remedy to keep it at bay, so that when everything else is gone…I still have something and I can say I’m never completely empty. It’s a reminder…that I’m just as vulnerable as the next…and that I’m just as scared about what is to come…and so I take the measures to make sure that as this hourglass continues…I will eventually be set free from the things I fear and want the most…that would feel so good.

If you could look into the future and see what lied ahead…would you? You know you would. It doesn’t matter what your intentions are…because it’s all just a perception and that view will never belong to any one person. But once you saw…would you still be as happy knowing your dreams will come true? Or if the future is paved with pain…would you hide and try to change. If I let you see, would you see the benefits of the future or the turmoil you wish to avoid? Would you wish to see the very end or would you close the blinds as soon as you saw the sun setting?

Those questions are just rhetoric…because I don’t care what the answer is and I’ve never looked to answer them myself. Because the answers aren’t as simple as they seem. The situations are always engulfed in grey areas which will always throw another variable into the mix no matter how much you think you have it figured out. The only constant is the time…but even that seems to fluctuate because of the sun…or is it the moon? In any case…you can’t have it all work out perfectly…nobody can go through life without hurting anybody…or without saying goodbye…Or maybe you can and the idea that you can't is just in my head.

I’m establishing myself in many different ways. This means I’m not looking and changing…I’m observing and accepting. It’s so much easier to understand someone else…because you can see the light reflecting off of their eyes. But when you want to look at yourself, you have to see the light as it reflects off the mirror…and that mirror will always skew things no matter how perfectly crafted. And that’s because if you know you are being observed, you will not let your true-self radiate. In that way, you lie to yourself… because if you ever look in the mirror…you will never actually see yourself. Instead…only seeing the way you wish to see yourself at that given mixture of emotion and situation.

It's funny that I bring up mirrors...i re-read my last livejournal entry and it is a rant about mirrors...they must be a strong symbol for me.  Maybe because no matter how much I wish to see myself...I know that I must relay on this tool.  And so...I dance around the paradox i mentioned before.  but it's not the first time i've recognized this problem...and i know it won't be the last time i need to make the exception to myself.  i just hate having to smile while lying to everyone else...and i do it to myself when i see myself crying...and i know why...i can't help by lie to myself when i don't want to accept things for what they are.  but from what i understand...everyone does it.

And that will quickly get you nowhere…like the problem with the tree making a sound with nobody to listen. The question is insulting…and it makes me feel so belittled…almost like I’m nothing…because the attention is the only thing I crave and now it has been shifted. Maybe I didn’t deserve it in the first place…but to me…inside my head…inside my heart…I cannot forget what that was like. But the music plays on and the chance for sorrow has come and gone. Leaving only me…and I can’t see what I feel…and I can’t see me…because when I look in the mirror…I see what I want to see.

So what now? It’s a question I’m asked so much…but I won’t admit by whom. Instead…I disguise the identity in order for me to get on with my night and not spend the next hour explaining. But…you are right…I am lost…I’m aware of that…and why am I okay with that? The need to find my place is something that doesn’t drive me. And maybe I’ll pay for that mistake. Or maybe I’m lying to myself once again and my hypocritical ways are due to the deceit I’ve dealt to myself. Maybe its time I erase these feelings and replace it with something new. Maybe I’m pretending that I’m not like the others. Maybe I’m keeping everyone…including myself…in the dark.

Did I ever make sense? It’s easy to expel so much energy so that I’m never figured out completely…but if you get nothing from this…did I give myself away for no reason? I’m surrendering the idea that I’ve ever been direct…it’s not my style. And that might make me an enemy…but if that’s the way you see me…who are you? Are you just another one? Trying to push the right buttons to see what you can get out of me. Or are you sitting back…observing me just as I’m observing you and myself. I spoke of it before…and yet it seems to loop back around to that idea that perception is the only thing that matters and you keep less reason for yourself because there are so many more observers than people of action. And what makes us decide which observations and worth to care about? Is it the experience that we look back and should have pieced together the clues sooner so that we could have avoided looking like Fools? But don’t worry…we all do it. And for that reason…we are all just becoming trained like each other…and we are all embracing a little of each other in our identities.

New topic…my head shifts as quickly as blood arrives at the scene of a cut. Fuck this hurts…It’s the chorus I’ve been singing all too often. I’m stretching myself so thin so that I don’t have to face it…and here I am…throwing it all away because I’m still no closer that I ever was. I try to convince myself that it’s not my fault…but instead I wrap myself in the lies I can’t bear to come clean from. It’s the motions I’ve gotten used to…to find myself able to move in all directions as needed.

New topic…I told you I move quickly. I need to get busy again…but I fear what I’m going to keep myself busy with. I’m not looking for a distraction…but I do know that the events I’m waiting on aren’t getting here any faster. This will probably be the first part that sparks understanding…and I’ll apologize for what I’m about to say because it’s the boring stuff. Football…soccer…the holidays…they are all approaching quickly. And this is my first time going through them as this new someone else. And it’ll be easy for me to get lost but I think I’ve got it planned out pretty nicely. I just can’t get caught up in looking forward. I have to stop and enjoy now and make sure I’m still smiling the things I say and do and plan. I can’t be scared of guilt…I hope I can understand that. It’s not pride that makes me act the way I do…it’s me letting the truth out in between my lies. And if you catch it…it might just be the first true thing I’ve said…ok…that’s a lie as well. Heh…there went that understanding thing…right out the window…

Want to regain it…fine…I’ll grind myself to bring something other than uncertainty to this slate. I’m here…sitting on my couch…not feeling good at all…the drugs and the music and flowing through me. I’m doing nothing…if recovering can count as nothing. But after today…nothing will be something. I’m going back to the distractions in order to relieve myself. I like not being in the same place for 24 hours straight. I need change…I know its something I’ve long for. I need that escape and that makes me my own worst enemy. What the fuck is wrong with me for wanting that? It just pushes me away from everything to the point that when I look for help…nobody cares. So maybe I should give into this suffocating feeling and let go of feeling. That’s when this fucking misery will be put out. Scream that last line. It feels so uplifting.

New topic…Do this with me…draw a picture in your mind with my guidance…don’t blank you canvas…just leave it as is. I hope today was a good day…or this might not be any fun for you. Take the best part of your day and bring it to the front…this is your moment. Put yourself indoors and add a few clouds…that’ll make it a little more right. Now take the person who mattered most in that moment and have them smile…if you were alone…make sure you can feel yourself smiling. Call out the name that doesn’t compare and notice that you have no voice to back it. Now turn this person around…leaving you unable to see that smile. Yell blankly again…now stop and remember that this is just an exercise. Now look at your surroundings…look for something better…better than that smile. I don’t care what it is…but I dare you to find it. And now ask yourself how you feel…are you chilled everywhere…or did it mean nothing to you? If not…make no mistake…you will never understand what I’m talking about and you just wasted your time. But if you know what I’m talking about...you might stare blankly for the next few minutes while thinking about it…take the time to do so…if you feel so inclined…and return to this spot only when you have. It’s a simple exercise that shows how there are things…no matter how little… that can truly take you away if you give them the chance to. Don’t be scared of that. Ok now…one last step…and this is just as important. Remember that the moment you were thinking of isn’t now…and it will never be that moment again…so you must let it go…but don’t let anyone take it away…or you may never feel the same.

That was fun…wasn’t it? I promise…you can get lost in that world but remember that it is tainted…because it’s the best of the best. I could have easily chosen the worst part of your day and exploited that and you would have felt betrayed. It brutal to think about because sometimes you don’t feel like you can deal with it…but we have to remember that the good is never as good without the bad. And for that reason…never forget that the worst part of your day is simply making you whole again. Maybe it’s not with the best of intentions…but you can’t worry about that…because even if it is with the best of intentions…a tease is still a tease. Plus…intentions can’t be viewed…and that doesn’t suit well with my notion of perception.

That said…I intend to make things whole…start with the good…end with the hard. I’ve tried to write it a thousand times and I’ve never been able to break towards the conclusion I wish to find. I doubt I will ever reach it…not matter how long I try…because every time I do…it sounds like I’ve been there before. So that just leaves me confused…and I hope you know how that feels. If I take my chances…I could lose everything…but I’ve said that before…and I still won’t risk to part with any piece of what I have now. It’s the mixed message that I constantly portray. I wrote it before…I’m the truth in your lies…the doubt in your faith. I push and pull all in the same motion…and long to bring you closer while making it clear with my eyes that I don’t anything further. I won’t do this forever…I can’t leave it in the balance forever…but if I’m not there…will I be tossed aside? And now…in this moment…I remind you of the chill I spoke of as you searched for a smile. It has returned…only now it hits you deeper…down to the bone…and the feeling from before is laid to waste as it has been surpassed but something more powerful. People talk about the power of love and how it can supposedly overcome fear…but I dare anyone to contend that fear and doubt can be taken away easier than love and hope…that’s power. Let that sink in…don’t skip over it. I’m sure you took the time earlier…and I ask that you allow yourself to take it again here…otherwise…you are lying to yourself…refusing yourself the chance to be wrong. This hypocritical act is the solution to nothing and causes me the pain that I feel. So I say it again…to yourself…to me…to everyone…to anyone…


…don’t lie…


I feel I should add some type of closing…the words “…don’t lie…” seem just as abrupt as the beginning I subjected you to. So I’ll leave it with something to remind you that I’m still me…

…

…ummmmm…

…oh well…

…it doesn’t matter what I would have said……cause it’s how you perceive it anyways…

::EDIT::
I apologize...this exercise is edited from it's first draft...there are corrections, omissions, additions, and the fact that this is posted a solid 2 months after it's initial publication just makes it seem like it's not original anymore...in my eyes anyway.
I'm not sure that anyone who will get this hasn't already seen it...but I post it here with purpose...
nevertheless...enjoy...
::END EDIT::

YAY! for the first time this semester...i fell asleep in class!
Thank you...thank you...i want to thank everyone who encouraged me to get to this point.

in other news...facebook has a new feature called "notes"... my opinion follows:

( facebook strikes again... )

i miss orientation...
seeing everyone in red yesterday and being in the expo today was too much...
gosh i knew i'd kick myself for not doing it...

so instead i sit here at the desk of my new job...in ccit where the temperature is about 30 degrees cooler than it is outside...with no phone calls coming in so i'm having to talk on aim with friends and play games against suhas...eating the free pizza they bought for everyone in the office...washing it down with the free soda that has also been provided...making 8 per hour...wearing a wireless headset in case a call does come in so i can still walk around unrestricted...and awaiting an aerobic appointment alongside an absolutely amazing abettor...every exercise engagement embracing ella entails endless enthrallment...intense interactions involving increased instigation inspires interest in immersion...oddly, often observing others occupying oneself only orates obligations of others organizing optional offerings...unless underfunding urges unbearable undertakings...

gosh i've got too much time on my hands...

( Read more... )

dear studio audience,

so here is how i play...i try to pick my spots...my spots to bet big...my spots to bluff...my spots to slow play...my spots to gamble.
i don't like to play with a lot of players...too many hands...and i'm not good at reading people...
i like the smaller mind games...i rarely play it straight...i try to keep one step ahead...
i dont play every hand...and the hands that i do play i don't always play right. 

example...pocket 4s on the big blind...a min raise and a couple of callers to me and i call it.  flop comes out AK4 rainbow...i like it...and i think i know what to do with it...i bet...not too much...but something that looks to be asking 'where am i at in the hand?'  just one caller...nice...i've got a player.  next card out is another A...still confident...only hands beating me are aces, kings, AK or A and the case 4...but i want to act scared...weak...so i check...but go figure...so does my opponent.  river: 3...ok...harmless...same number of hands beating me...and this time i'm not playing slow...i bet...about as much as before...this is a callable bet.  but...it's still too much and the other player mucks the hand.   and i'm asked "did you have the flush?"  a glance at the board says the last 2 were running suits and put 3 on the board...

wait...so why do i think i played it wrong??

why did i slow up?  why didn't i just take it down on the turn?  i could have won the pot right there...the exact same amount as i won in the end...and not seen the flush at the end. instead i got someone interested and went for the big bait instead of taking it in smaller strides...
that's my problem...i'm always looking big picture...
i'm always looking ahead...wanting more...when i should just be raking in the pots as they come...
because when i play...i don't always have the nuts...but i act like i do...and sometimes...i get caught...and that's a tough feeling...
so maybe i'm a little too loose...maybe i need to play tighter...but that's not always the answer...
i've gotta play consistent...and i'm not too good at that...i mix it up too much...always looking for an edge...

well, don't you see? i'm the narrator and this is just a prologue...
but i feel young...


ps - 

so this is me...
stumbling over words...
because the words are not pure...
i don't know how to write them exactly as i feel...
but is it a problem with not knowing the words...
or a problem with not knowing how i feel...
i wouldn't be surprised if both were true...
i can learn the words...
i choose not to learn them...
but can i learn how to know what i feel...
is it an interpretive action or one that is instinctive...
is it one that i have too many feelings or none at all...
or do i have the feelings but just as much trouble believing them...
do i possess the esteem to hold confidence in my contributions...
or do i lack inner strength to let myself enjoy that benefit...
i speak of too many...
suggesting conflict or incoherence...
are the feelings wrong or is it my logic...
if its my logic there than so should be my logic here...
leading back to the feeling of wrong feelings...
so what i feel shall not be true if indeed i do have feelings that i believe...that aren't too limited or quantified...that are anchored within myself...in my head...in my heart...without letting anyone else guide me...this is what i'm left with.

so go the thoughts in my head
so go the thoughts in my head
so go the thoughts in my head
so go the thoughts in my head
so go the thoughts in my head

the 'my'  is the key...it means it is anchored within myself...only true if i don't believe it...false if i hold it as truth...
i eat, choke, drink, drown, breathe, suffocate, live, die, love, hate, understand, confuse, believe and reject this paradox...me...

Thursday nights rock.

i'm messing around when i should be paying attention...

so instead of talking about online communities...i'm particpating in one

i hope everyone's day is going well...

this post is posted through deepest sender...if you use firefox...i reccomend it completely

ok...so here is my entry...i dare you to figure it out!


t do new pall yank me evil tend so .mongo mix t cuff then eon that no anthems do to two f so dank do to stun dash dank Orb Disked SHT Fu THDS Provo roof ere dates nab evil gyros mix dank net of too studs 1 rethought deeps to us roof kern darks ermine et of then 1 us tell ylon buoy do to me two buoy thaw to domino math gets from lilts sty den else gunny eve ton my elfish dank me morph diverse buoy met ylon et stet sauce then carts no buoy eyes to two tend yes tusk to denim there et eve won thistle stet cuff et thaw??? snip ruby thaw tiff ensed t sauce me lector buoy anthems do to diced new dank two buoy thaw geld dank gut dank dined ruff reechoes evil run of met et gave nab buoy buoy serest net dank else deserve roof up exam mongo ton sty this name tensed that tub stops there emu’s dash evil hay only gibe depth evil ere dates depth evil dues gibe depth evil t of etui reeve depth evil this retted dank ethos this nab she knew sight


PS…you won’t figure it out…so don’t try.

( please don't read into this too much... )

lets end it on this...
you may never know what you put me through...
thats okay...i'll forgive you...
but in some way...
i hope it fucks with you...

so...this is my crappy attempt at being productive...
i made this last night...made a few adjustments this morning...
would you do me a favor?
look around...tell me what ya think...boost my site numbers so the boss lets me run with it...find errors...anything...i'd appreciate
thanx

javi's first real site